A Movie Geek's Tips For Disaster Film-Making

I've seen enough disaster films to know the stereotypes that need to be added in a movie if it needs to fit into the"Disaster film" genre. After having seen 2012 last night, I guess I can proclaim that I have the authority to pen down some guidlines one needs to follow for making a disaster film. These guidlines are also a part of the syllabus in "Roland Emmerich's School of Disaster film- making".

1. Cardinal Rule for The Hero : The hero is the 2nd most eye-catching factor of any disaster movie (1st one being the special effects) Your hero should be an unorganized, slobby, good-looking loser who should have a failed marriage, his career graph should be going south, and it adds more authenticity if he is a garage mechanic/ limo driver/ shoe salesman/school teacher/ construction worker unable to pay mortgage . It is guys like these who play our Messiah in a disaster movie. If Tom Cruise can play a loser in War of the Worlds, so can anyone.

2. Cranky Guy / Soothsayer : He is the wierd guy who can predict that shit's gonna fall from heaven, but nobody will believe him, including our hero. Because he is wierd, has long hair, speaks cranky stuff to himself, add to that he is a conspiracy theorist who blames the government for everything that has happened, from Rosewell to the JFK assassination. 

3. The Family factor :  A broken family is essential for any disaster movie, the purpose of any earthquake, tsunami, or a global warming is to bring an estranged family together. So what if the whole world was turned upside down? Atleast you got your family back and are happy together again, only that you got no home to live in. The family should consist of

a. The hero's ex-wife : A hawt yummy mummy who thinks our hero is a big- time loser and a bad father who doesn't spend enough time with his children. The secondary mission of the hero is to redeem himself in her eyes after saving the world. 

b. The pesky kids : Always have a boy and a girl whom the hero can take out for camping, fishing after being hounded by his ex-wife to do so. The kids too should think that their father is an all-time loser(they obviously get the idea from their yummy mummy) The kids should be irritatingly dumb and should ask our hero crazy questions at a time when he is busy saving their asses, the questions they should ask will be discussed later.

c. The guy screwing the ex-wife: The hero's ex-wife must be living with another man who is successful, rich, a good company to the pesky kids and buys them cool stuffs. Note that he should not be as good lookin' as the hero, because it will only pose a problem to the heroine at the end of the movie on to whom to go back to, the good lookin loser of an ex-hubby who saved the world or the guy she is currently screwing who has it all (maybe not all because an earthquake may have destroyed it all).

4. The Dog : The dog plays a crucial role in a disaster movie, go for the adorable puppies or the cute and cuddly sons of bitches. Put them in a scenario where they are in some serious shit fighting for their life, maybe they have to jump off a ledge or catch a moving a car or train or spaceship. But never ever kill em, these pups are great pussy magnets (am not talkin bout kittens or cats here). Seeing a cute pup in trouble can make any chick squeal with anxiety, they are so dumb not to realise that Hollywood doesnt kill dogs, let alone puppies, we have seen this in so many disaster films. By the end of the movie these dogs end up being a part of the hero's family, giving company to the pesky kids who find him cute enough to play with. Thus completing the picture perfect family of

a. The Loser turned Savior hero

b. The Hawt yummy mummy

c. The pesky kids

d. The dog/ pup

5. The President and his speech : There has to be a President, preferably a African- American President, Morgan Freeman did it in Deep Impact,  and also throw in a scene where he gives his famous presidential speech to America that maybe broadcasted all over the world, use sentences like :

• America will fight

• We will stay together/ united

• We will have the will to survive... 

• We all nations should come together at a time where the world is at the brink of disaster
  

Also show a shot of a bunch of rednecks in Times Square going "wo-hoo" as they see their Mr. President on a mega big-ass screen TV, speaking about the will to survive. Paint a picture as if greatness is thrust on the US of A to save the rest of the world from a disaster.

6. The Boss and his Subordinate : In a parallel storyline put in a cold and calculating boss of a govt agency who has been entrusted the task of making plans to save humanity, he should be a cold and calculating Whiteboy who runs a tight ship giving orders, making sure that he sticks with the deadline. He is like Dr.Asthana from that Munnabhai movie, cold, calculating and uses his head instead of his heart.

The sub-ordinate must be a black guy who has a heart of gold, a quintessential nerd who bows down to his boss's demands from the beginning of the movie, but later in the end grows a pair to question his Boss' authority and fights for the rights to survive of the other less fortunate people. Needless to say, the dude with the heart of gold and balls of steel wins the argument.

7. Cheesy lines : These are the lines that one has to say to give the effect of a Disaster movie:

a. "You should see this" - This line gives the viewer anxiety pangs of what he is about to see, this line acts as a buildup to scene of disaster which we are about to witness. Applicable only to pilots / captains of any vessel or airplane who are relaying information to their superiors.

b. "Holy Mother of God!" - to be said when one sees the trail of disaster left behind by an earthquake or a tsunami, applicable only to minor characters with lesser screentime who are gonna die anyway in another 3 minutes. This line usually follows "You should see this"

c. "We all gonna die!"  - Applicable only to the cranky guy who says this to spook you and everyone in the hall.

d. "Stay here I will come back" - A poor man's version of "I'll be back" which was made so popular by Arnie in the Terminator series. Applicable only to the hero when he goes to save life/ or kick some alien ass. It is automatically ensured that the hero will come back triumphantly whenever he has spoken these lines.

e. "Daddy, are we gonna die?" - The dumbest question that was ever created in the disaster movie genre. This is the question I was talking about earlier in the post. Kids ask questions, a lot of em, but this has to be the dumbest of the lot. Applicable to kids of the hero who ask this just to annoy the crap out of you. They should know that they are the heroe's kids, Daddy dearest will always keep em away from harm's way. By this time the kids would have started to respect their Loser Dad after they see him bravely save the life of the guy- screwing- their- mom.

f. "We are gonna stay together, you understand me !?" - Obviously to be said by the hero, and applicable only to the hero who says this line to show you and the slutty ex-wife who the boss is. This line brings a feeling of reassurance among the kids and the ex-wife that Loser Dad will face anything selflessly to save their asses.

8. The Indian scientist : This is the final point which I had forgotten to add. Be assured of finding an Indian scientist who speaks Hindi with a heavy American accent when conversing with his wife, ironically, his English will sound more believable than his Hindi. And the odds are that he may have a last name "Patel". We Indians don't just drive taxis and serve Chicken tikka masala to White people anymore, hell yeah! We also calculate the temperature at which the Earth's crust will start giving rise to mega-tsunamis and can also warn you on how much time you got. This guy will be a regular fixture in forthcoming disaster movies, and an actor of Indian-American origin with a bad Hindi and even bad acting will play this character. You can see that he has modelled his speech on Apu, the Kwik E-mart guy from The Simpsons, though you can ask him to go easy on ending every sentence with "my friend!". The theatre will burst into cheers once we Indians are given credit for warning the world but ironically end up losing our own lives, the "We are here because of an Indian" part does ease the pain. We are a huge market for disaster movies, my people better be there in the script.

Final Note: Make sure that the guy-screwing- the ex-wife is killed in a car crash or has been smashed to pulp in a conveyor belt, or blown to pieces by the end of the movie. This will help in bringing back the hero and his family together, thus confirming your faith in the adage "An estranged family that faces a natural disaster together, survives together".

Say it right, or don't say it at all!!

 Juliet: 

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

- William Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet)

"What's in a name?" William Shakespeare says, well what the hell did he know? He was famous and nobody pronounced his name wrong. Iam Anuraag Seshadri, Iam not famous,yet. And people pronounce my name wrong almost everytime.

I love my name a lot, its unique and in Hindi it means that magical feeling which we all must have felt sometime in our life - "love". How many on-screen heroes have had their name as "Anura(a)g" ?(the extra 'a' is supposed to bring me luck, some numerological stuff). The masses can relate themselves to a "Raj" or a "Rahul" or a "Vijay", but not to a "Anura(a)g", that is because the others are monosyllabic, easy to say, and your average-Joe kinda name. But alas, everytime I make acquaintance with new people, I tend to hear a new and irritating version of my name. In a city like Chennai where Hindi is spoken few and far between, my name has gone through various permutations and combinations. Some words were left and some extra obscure words were added. I've been through that for 23 years now, and I shudder with the thought of what new version are they gonna come up with tomorrow. 

From k.g to high school to college and now at work, I've met quite a few people who have made a mess out of pronouncing my name. Mentioned below are some really weird versions of my name (a much harder last name doesn't help either).

1. Und-raag or Und-raj: The first time I heard someone say this was at school when I was in 1st std. I did not mind that much, for I really felt thats how my name is supposed to be said. And I vaguely remember being called "Underwear" as well (seriously), that was during my 10th std.

2. Anuraj or Anu-roj: When people call me this, I sometimes feel if I've said it wrongly,I hear it almost everytime I introduce myself to a South Indian Anna. 

3. Anuraaga or Anuradha : I can forgive the ones calling me Anuraaga(though I may feel like bashing their heads against a wall initially), take of that last 'a' (Anuraaga) and you got it right. But not the pricks who've had the nerve to call me "Anuradha", what kind of a deaf/dumb c*** would even think of a guy named "Anuradha"? I've even been asked if I was named after the singer Anuradha Sriram!!... stupid f***s

 

4. Anu-rung: One of my friends in college used to call me this even after he knew me for as long as 2 months. That bloke is now at the "bottom rung" of my friends list.  

5. Anu-rodh: My personal favourite, even though I don't prefer being called that, I sometimes feel that people must have thought that I was a by-product of a torn Nirodh condom, thus the name as a tribute to the company. 

6. Anu-ro(c)k: I am thankful for the ones who came up with that, my desks in college are adorned with "AnuRocks". Iam the only person who thinks so, even though they maybe the ones calling me like that.

7. Bond: This should not be on the list, but there was a guy who used to call me "Baand" (Bond) because my roll number in college was 007. I preferred being called that, not only because it sounded cool, but also because that guy could possibly not say my name without f**king it up. To this day that guy probably doesnt know what my real name is.   

If I introduce myself to a group of five, am sure to get five different versions of my name. There are times when Iam scared to even introduce myself fearing a dreadful mispronunciation of my name.  

When you call out a name, there is some emotion attached to it, it may last for half-a-second, and even you may not notice it, it may be hope, fear, love, anger, respect, and it makes the impact it is supposed to make only when the name is called out right.


To cite an example: I will get turned on if some average- lookin chick tells me "Oh Anuraag, you look so cute" (Its my keyboard, I type whatever I want, deal with it), but on the other hand, if it were some hot gorgeous femme fatale who would say seductively "Oh Und-raag gimme your Undre-wear!!" (its my blog, and I run the show, if I want her to ask for my underwear, she will ask for my underwear), I can only wince with disgust, not because she asked for my undies, no way!! its because she pronounced my name wrong. Thats how big a role saying out one's name properly can play.



I've been called much cooler versions like "Raag", "Raagz", most of my close set of friends still prefer calling me "Anuraag" after all these years, inspite of the closeness we share. I've never asked them to shorten it, I never will, as long as people call me right Iam fine with it.

Inglourious Basterds - The Bastard is back and How!!

"You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'."  - Aldo Raine

Quentin Tarantino is probably one of those directors whose names would not be taken in the same breath as a Scorsese, Spielberg or a Kubrick, maybe because after watching a QT movie you never feel uplifted, maybe because he glorifies violence like no other director can, or maybe because his movies are not about the triumph of good over evil. His movies dare to venture the darker side of man, which is always about vengeance, and retribution of the most violent kind. There are many who find him to be over-rated, and there are many who worship him, but the truth is: without a Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, or even Kill Bill, Hollywood would seem incomplete. So when the opening scene of IB slowly unfolds in the barn we realise that the ace director is slowly reaching at the top of his game. Christopher Waltz as the cold and calculating Hans "Jew Hunter" Landa is one of the best characters etched by QT in his career, Waltz even steals the thunder from Aldo Raine effectivly played by Brad Pitt.

You need a lot of patience to sit through a QT movie, you may drift off during the lengthy conversations his characters may have, but that is just a build up to the final act which will take your breath away. You need to savor his movies like a good bottle of wine, you gotta take it sip by sip rather than just gulping it down. The ending may not be historically accurate, its more like an "alternate history"- the kind of ending QT would have scripted had he been playing God during WW2. The 2.5 hour long movie may get a bit dull in between, but just when the pace seems to slow down, an incident may catch your eye which will wake you from your slumber, and by the time the movie ends it leaves you asking for more. Love him or hate him, but you just cant ignore QT. The bastard is back!

Jab We Met....

We meet to create memories and we depart to preserve them, to meet and depart is way of life,but to depart and meet is the hope of life. - Anonymous

This has been a great week for me, I joined a new job at a reputed firm, I work at a very hep place and the facilities and attention that you get can end up pampering you. It is quite hard to keep your feet on the ground when you feel great things are coming your way. Yet sitting at the cafeteria dining with my colleagues gave me a nostalgic feeling, secretly wishing that my colleagues were replaced by my friends. I guess there can be nothing that replaces old friends. A good friend's marriage last night brought me and all my mates together, and what a night it was!!

All were there- the good ol' pricks. The leg-pulling and the double entendres were thrown around, and for a brief moment we transformed again into the brash students from the "focussed professionals", we forgot everything about our ball-busting bosses, the work pressure, the meetings to keep, the deadlines to deal with- its amazing how seeing a friendly face can absorb all your worries away without you knowing it. The ones to whom I never spoke in college were there too, and so were the ones whom I found annoying, yet I felt a heartwarming feeling listening to them talk, wishing they annoy me no end for one last time, they really made me wonder why I never spoke much with them in college.

We had our professors there too, how many times have we looked at our watches longingly, praying for their classes to get over soon, mocking them when they were not around, pantomiming their mannerisms, arguing with them for not giving us attendance, cursing them for not finishing the syllabus on time and busting our balls on a weekend with an assignment- never have we felt so glad on seeing them. We shook their hands and they patted our backs in appreciation for what we have become, we thanked them for everything and we really meant it. We took one final snap with the bride who was the voice, the energy, and the soul of the gang, we wished her well for a new beginning with a new companion. We bade her a final farewell- one down, four to go :(

As the night came to and end, we friends shook hands bidding adieu saying "We'll meet up some time" knowing deep within that the meet wont be the same without the bride any more, and the "some time" is just a speculation. Last night we came as individuals, met as long lost friends, and departed with a hope that we all will meet again someday, sometime....

Hey Girl...

Hey girl,

You talk nineteen to the dozen,

You know no full stop,

You are so loud that the whole world could hear you think,

Hey girl, will you ever slow down? 

Hey girl,

You use too many smileys in your sms'es,

You type as fast as you speak,

You make a mountain out of a molehill,

Hey girl, will you learn to breathe easy?

Hey girl,

You ride your bike like no other girl can,

You argue with people as if your life depended on it,

You gave the word "rebel" a whole new meaning,

Hey girl, is there nothing you fear?

Hey girl,

You were always there with a pill for all our troubles,

You always encouraged us to just "go for it",

You tirelessly planned the wackiest of birthday surprises,

Hey girl, where from you get your zest for life?

Hey girl,

You found your knight in shining armor,

You are all set to start a new innings,

We all will be there to bid you adieu,

and with You gone, will be gone the soul of our gang,

Hey girl, when did you turn into a woman?

One Fine Morning….

This happened when I was in college, I had woken up late from my slumber and was already behind the clock to catch the train. Hurriedly I ran through my early morning duties of brushing, attending nature’s call, ironing out my clothes and running through my breakfast all the while keeping an eye on the clock. Dressed with my formal attire to college I checked myself out in the mirror, “I look fine” I convinced myself. I started to breathe easy when I saw that I was well ahead of schedule on catching the train. I left my home with a spring in my steps and a tune playing in my mind.

It was a glorious morning, it had rained the previous night, the sun was playing peek-a-boo, the air was crisp and the road was scattered with morning walkers, school kids and office goers all walking at their own pace. I could see the smile in their faces as they walked past me and I smiled back at them, they eyed me with what I felt was admiration. “Looking sharp can sure win admirers” I thought to myself blissfully. I reached the station well before time, there was an air of chirpiness as I entered. The women/girls were gossiping, the men/boys were busy studying the women/girls who were gossiping, and I was too immersed listening to “Enya”- the right artiste to listen to on such a beautiful morning.  

As I was waiting for the train I could see a group of girls giggling among themselves, bemused I surveyed around and could see a group of boys eyeing me suspiciously. They looked like a bunch of goons, one of those low-lifes who flaunted their machismo by staring at unsuspecting geeks like me and pretty damsels, trying to be intimidating. “Lets not dignify them by giving back the stare” I thought to myself, I started fidgeting waiting anxiously for the train to come; every passing minute seemed like an hour. Just then a guy from that group started walking towards me, and I hurriedly racked my brains for a “tough guy line” to ward him off. He came towards me, pulled my arm and whispered: “Zippae Podu thambi" ("ZIp up your pants man") . And it all started to make sense then – the looks of “admiration”, the women/girls gossiping, the bemused looks of passers- by, the giggling group of girls, the eyeing goons. I zipped up my pants and felt like digging a hole and burying myself in it.