Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Not Tonight, Not Tonight

She was five feet apart from him looking at him expectantly, hoping he would finally give in, but he refused to budge. No words were spoken between them, yet they felt like they had conveyed so much. They were crowded by people who were returning from work- tired, sweaty and agitated, chattering non stop drowning their sorrows, glee, hope, anger with their compadres, but amidst the crowd the feelings were reduced to just a cacophony. It was in this crowd that she let her eyes do the talking. Her eyes pleaded for his mercy, her eyes yearned for his kindness, whereas his eyes communicated indifference, his eyes projected no empathy for her condition. "Iam pregnant" her eyes said, "Iam not the reason" his shot back, "You seemed to be so different from others around here" they said, "I don't feel different tonight lady, not tonight" his replied.

He was not feeling different, he felt the same way he had been feeling for a month. He was living the same life with the same routine, flashing the same ready-made plastic smile that was plastered across his face to whomever insignificant he met. He knew how it all started but he had no clue of how it will end, he was dazed and confused. But today was made more miserable because things had gotten worse, and that was all he needed to close himself in his shell. He yearned to speak with someone, to let it all out, but there were no friendly faces around, how he wished he went back to college. His loneliness had given birth to a sense of narcissism within him, tonight he did not feel human, not tonight.

As he saw her get squashed by the ruthless crowd in the evening commute, his heart went out to her, how he wished he could help her, on any other day he would have readily offered her his seat "But not tonight, not tonight" he whispered to himself. Getting a seat in a crowded bus was the only good thing which he felt had happened to him today, and he was not going to let it go by trying to be Mother Teresa. She stared helplessly at him, he seemed educated, and well bred "Do something!" her eyes yelled, "Not tonight lady, not tonight" his calmly said. He tried to ignore her, he closed his eyes and turned up the volume in his player yet he could not drown away the vision of the helpless woman. He was not feeling proud about himself, he had spewed enough venom for one day. As he got up to give his seat to the lady, she started to get down, her stop had come. As he saw her walk away he wished he could go and apologize to her, ask for her forgiveness, "but not tonight..." he told himself "... not tonight".

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