Sunday, November 6, 2011

Save the Blogger Screw the Tiger

Disclaimer: No tigers were harmed during the making of this post, although my crotch whom I fondly refer to as "tiger" was scratched occasionally while writing.

Tigers for long have been synonymous with terms such as "Bravery", "Fiery", and "Majestic", so much so that at times even the persona of an individual is compared to that of a tiger in situations that exhibit the individual's magnanimity. They have starred in movies and have been mentioned in poetry, the beauty of a tiger has been brilliantly summed up in William Blake's "The Tyger" that begins with the legendary opening lines "Tiger tiger burning bright".

They have also been used in sporting parlance to signify an athelete's grace and stamina.

"He was a tiger on the field" - Ravi Shastri on Viv Richards
"He fought them as brave as a tiger" - Ravi Shastri on Viv Richards.
"I just get the feeling... that he is a tiger in bed !" - Ravi Shastri on Viv Richards.

Tigers hold a fond place in our hearts, we call our loved ones fondly as "tiger" which is pretty much a sobriquet for their valor and large-heartedness, its a nickname that demands respect. We name our dogs as "Tiger" or "Sheru", Jackie Shroff is probably one individual who got confused between his dog and his son and went on to name his son as "Tiger Shroff" instead. It is a given, that anybody named Tiger always has the unfair advantage of scoring with women because people tend to have this wrong perception that your name speaks of your prowess in bed.

Exhibit A: Tiger Woods the man is no Greek god, and he plays one of the yawn-inducing games mankind has ever invented. Ever wondered how he hooked up with that many hookers with nothing to show for except a thick wallet? Its in his name Tiger... and a surname like Woods furthers the cause too. Who wouldn't want to do it with a rich man named Tiger who has a Woodie?

People find the tiger to be a dwindling species, many a campaigns were launched to save the tiger, with celebrities from varying fields throwing in their two cents on why the tiger needs to be saved. But when the word "blogger" is thrown around, you picture a bespectacled guy with freckles on his face who bitches and moans about all that is wrong with his life. His inability to get laid turns him into a poet who finds little joys in the first rays of the sun scything through a wet blade of grass and other pointless things like that which they pretend to show it in a profound way in their blogposts. And all they yearn for is few likes and a few shares and the odd occasional comments. But sadly, the lack of these virtual gestures make them doubt their own ability, and they end up stagnating their blog by taking an indefinite sabbatical and find solace whilst browsing through Youporn or much worse, in search of the real deal get hitched. Nobody names their dog or their son after a blogger, even after they bare their lives open by sharing their minutest of details that makes you feel better about your sorry-ass existence. Damn readers have no gratitude.

Bloggers have never received their due for the services that they provide to the society, from what phone to buy to which movie to watch  to how to keep your illicit affair a secret, a blogger warns and advices you based on the screw ups that s/he has made so that you do the right thing when faced with such situations. Given below are the reasons why a blogger's presence needs to be appreciated.

Reason 1: Bloggers have no sanctuaries, tigers have. There are thirty-nine tiger reserves in India when I last checked in wikipedia, and not one for a blogger.

Reason 2: When you lock two tigers of opposite sex in a room, they would eventually screw each other for the continuation for their species. You put two bloggers of opposite sex in a room, they would only end up arguing over which is better - Blogger or Wordpress. Never put two bloggers in the same room.

Reason 3: There have been movies made on tigers, there is none made on Bloggers. Yeah they made one on Facebook, but that guy was not primarily a blogger.

Reason 4: Nobody cares if a tiger got dumped or was fired from his job.

Reason 5: Tigers can't promote a brand for nuts. When a new product is launched, everyone bows down to the tech bloggers for reviewing their products.

Reason 6: What the hell do tigers know about movie critiquing?

Reason 7: Tigers can't write open letters.

Reason 8: The first thing you check once you log in to work after your Facebook notifications is any interesting blog or meme to share. In a nine-to-five job since you are not allowed to watch porn at work, you depend on blogposts to shake you off of your drudgery. Reading our blogs and having a hearty laugh is the only high-point of your corporate life.

Reaction 9: Be it "Save the earth"  or "Save the democracy" its our inciting posts that shake the society and wakes it up from its slumber.

So if you have a blogger friend who seems to have lost their magic touch lately, go on and wake them up off their reverie. Tell em' how good they are at what they do, tell em' to get back to do what they do best. Hit a "like", click a "share". Let them know you are reading and you care, the tigers can wait.


karthick r said...

Haa ha! Loved it.
#Reason 3: There have been movies made on tigers, there is none made on Bloggers. Yeah they made one on Facebook, but that guy was not primarily a blogger.
Jude Law in Contagion was a blogger. That helped a bit. :)

And while we are on this, I would like to go on record and say - People, just because we blog, that doesn't mean that we have memorized every fuckin word in this planet with its synonyms. Don't treat us like mobile word webs and ask for meanings or saucy synonyms.

~ cheers..!

Kikyo said...

Hear! Hear!

Prosenjeet said...

Ha Ha Ha ! What the hell ! I landed up on the perfect blog I guess. Just went through his post and man you have a damn good sense of humor.
And was/is Ravi Shastri really that obsessed about Viv Richards? LOL. And this goddamn truth "His inability to get laid turns him into a poet who finds little joys in the first rays of the sun scything through a wet blade of grass " just had me laughing like anything. Following you right away.

you may like to read this:

Anuraag Seshadri said...

Thank you all, glad you guys gave it a read.

Prosenjeet, thanks for the generous praise. Made my day :-)

I will be sure to go through your blog. Bloggers in arms, as they say :-)