Bitter Chocolates and Stinking Roses

Valentine’s Day is like that hurricane predicted by the Met department which lives up to the devastation it promises, fondly known as the “Left Hand, Right Hand Day” among single people, Valentine’s Day could either sweep you off your feet or blow you away into oblivion, such events are expertly covered by news channels and news papers with much sensationalism and with the presence of Suhel Seth in their expert panel. It is a tough day to survive if you are single, from walking in the street what with being blinded by garish colors of people’s clothes that symbolize their relationship status to surfing Facebook where people tag you in pictures that has quotes from Erich Segal’s Love Story, to being asked “So you got anything planned for the evening?” –the tone for which begins inquisitively and ends up being condescending when answered in the negative. Thankfully, I am not the only one who has to go through this ordeal.  Even Google decided to rub salt into my wounds by making a doodle that gave the message of love in the most wonderful way possible, yet having shut the doors down on anything that had to do with mush I promptly switched to Yahoo! for a day.

In a nation where the opinion for Valentine’s Day shifts between two extremes, here are a list of events that happen on and around Valentine’s day that are covered by *cough* esteemed media houses *cough* like TOI, Deccan Chronicle, India TV, Aaj Tak :

1.               1. Increase in sales of chocolates, soft toys, roses and greeting cards that end up being used.

2.       2. Increase in sales of condoms that generally go unused.

.            3. Increase in sales of firearms: Mostly purchased by jilted lovers who believe in the adage that if you love something truly set it free, and then hunt it down and kill it.

.            4. Increase in porn downloads by single men, also prick your ears up a little bit while going to bed at night and within a 2-km radius you are sure to hear the muted sobs or that of some animal whimpering. Do not be alarmed for it is the single man who is crying himself to sleep thinking about “the one that got away”.

.             5. There will be a sudden increase in marriage between boys and girls who had exchanged their numbers over the weekend. You might wonder whatever happened to the commitment phobic men and career oriented women, well, when you have a goon from Ram Sene pointing a gun at your forehead threatening you to tie the knot and respect the sanctity of marriage else have your brains splattered all over the place, your thoughts of building a career goes for a toss and your commitment phobia gets pissed down your pants.

6.      6. This is the time of the year when couples are taken for punching bags by the Shiv Sena, Ram Sene, Bajrang Dal and VHP.  You can run, you can hide but you definitely can’t escape their love when they catch you sharing your love in public. Boys are beaten up, women molested, just another day in India. It has been noted that an occasional punch also comes from that single guy whose crush you are canoodling with.

.         7. A day which has been made just to make single people feel like crap, it is only the nature of law that a wounded beast bite the hand that grabs its crotch and says “♫ You are not gonna get any action tonight but I sure will, lah-di-da! ♫” as a result the occasional Archie’s and Hallmark showroom gets stoned and burgled, sometimes even Landmark pays the price for almost the same name that they share with Hallmark.

.        8. There is an increase in demand for corner seat bookings on this day. Since there are many who don’t get to do the deed at the comfort of their homes or do not have too much money to book a hotel room, they might as well get to second base under dim lighting and comfy push back seats at the far end of the hall hidden from prying eyes.

.       9. There will be an increase in security at beaches, malls and parks not with the presence of police but with that of the middle aged uncles and aunties who go by the name of “moral police”, To Protect and To Serve may not be their motto, but they will stay vigilant and scrutinize through their wizened eyes any boy and girl who hold their hands and walk around with gay abandon. Experts at raising a crowd and blessed with powers to shadow unsuspecting lovers they come out of nowhere and bombard you with questions pertaining to the purity of your relationship. You may try to steer them away by saying that your date is actually your sister, but to take light of their keen Attention to Detail skills would only come back to bite you in the arse when they counter attack by saying that only in Greek tragedies does a brother walk around in a crowded mall with his hands around his sister’s butt.

    10. It is only around this time of the year that men feel that they are actually thinking with their hearts what with realizing the power of love and the warmth they get in making their special someone smile, but guys come on, whom are we kidding? Come February 15^th and we will start thinking with our dicks all over again.