Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Why the Zombie Apocalypse is inevitable

Before you judge me correctly to be a sociopath, let me ask you this - have you taken a good hard look at the world we live in?

Corrupt, self-centered, rude, dirty and overpopulated, ours has become a world which even the aliens would think twice before setting off on their motherships to invade.  We think we aren’t answerable to what we do with nature, we shit were we eat, we pillage, we plunder, we have lost our morals, we lie, we cheat, we steal, we commit unthinkable crimes against women and children. Mankind evolved from apes, now, we are devolving right back to where we started, if you need more proof then just look at the kind of people who are running the nation. WE gave them the power, so how intelligent does that make US?

We make a hue and cry about how we are being taken for a ride every now and then by the government, but then as days go by we get fascinated with something new and aggressively advertised that comes up, and stand in line to catch a glimpse of it. Our attention span is that of a three-year old, we bawl and fuss when we don’t get that doll, but our eyes light up when we are handed a scoop of ice cream, and we forget about the doll. The media knows our pulse, it knows what it has to do to get its TRPs. It will stoke the fire, we will outrage on twitter and FB, make memes and share it on FB, get a few likes and RTs and think of ourselves as activists. We will believe in our Messiah Arnab, who every night at 9 would interrogate spokespersons and social commentators. Our dinner would taste better while we watch someone else being grilled, why shouldn’t we indulge in schadenfreude? We take shit from people everyday who are above us in the societal food chain, it is only right that we see some from their ilk face the music from our Savior.

Much like the bubonic plague that had wiped out a third of our population in the middle ages, nature, unable to take more injustice will wreak a pandemic of epic proportions amidst us. What has strengthened my belief in this theory is the current pop culture: from books, to video games, to movies, all of it advocates the extinction of Mankind. From ginormous aliens surfacing within the depths of the sea, to an army of gory looking creatures that emerge from the skies, Hollywood has made us believe that the end is nigh, and at the hands of monstrous beings.

Yet, my personal favorite, and the one I find most believable is the turning of humans into the undead. Yes, I have been indulging in too much of The Walking Dead, the gore factor of that show doesn’t make me cower with fear no more. I have become so compatible with the show, that I now even eat my dinner whilst watching brains being bashed, and eyeballs being plucked out of its sockets. A not so convincing zombie-kill also makes me critique vocally with the food spilling out of my mouth.

“They could have shown more blood when he hacked that 5-year old girl, yaar. It would have been more convincing then.”

Arre, what is this ya? Instead of chopping that guy’s arm he should have directly rammed that sword inside his forehead man. Bloody rookie! Just pass me the salt na, mother forgot to add salt in the dal again. Damn!”

After watching World War Z, I was having a conversation with someone regarding how believable the movie was. My observation of the movie being “believable” was laughed off when he remarked that a zombie apocalypse would never happen. I wanted to stress the fact to him that at a certain juncture, all things tend to reach a breaking point. Even nature for that matter will revolt, Mother Nature has been bearing our insolence for so long that a time will come when she says “Enough is enough, all you bastards are gonna pay for what you have done to me!”

And no, it won’t be in the form of a landslide, or an earthquake where death will be swift and over in one motion. It will be slow and painful, just like how we are doing it to her, we will first lose our body, after which our minds will shut down.  Slowly yet surely we will lose the little bit of humanity that was left in us, and turn into blood-thirsty ghouls. We will bay for the blood of our family, of our friends, even our dogs, we know we have become a monster, yet we cannot stop ourselves from sinking our teeth into the flesh of our children because ours will be craving that could never be satisfied, and the thirst for blood, unquenchable.

The fall of institutions: Seeing the world around us go to hell will bring that side of us which we knew never existed, we will learn to scavenge. We will learn to live within our means, we will learn to use our limited resources sparingly, also, there will be no government, and to each his own. No school, no college, no office, no need for money. Your 1000/- note might as well be used to wipe your ass, because whom are you going to indulge in a transaction with? Your neighborhood shopkeeper has turned into a Zombie, son!

Free stuff for everyone: With nobody to monitor us, or to penalize us for our wrongdoings, the world would be one large shopping complex. You can loot, you can vandalize, you can take whatever you want, hell, you can even live in a mall. You wanted to try those shoes, sure, go ahead and check out that Nike showroom on floor 3. You can even get that liquor from the booze section in the supermarket, nobody monitors the CCTV, and you can show the finger to the camera while nonchalantly walking away just for kicks!

Killing is legal: Killing will be the natural order, the survival of the fittest. You got something essential, like a lighter, that the other person hasn’t, you have reason enough to be threatened at gunpoint. You don’t comply, he could even kill you.  He will kill you anyway because who is going to stop him? While killing normal people might prick your conscience because they are the living, killing a zombie, or the “turned” is just a means of survival. You know how you always wanted to physically hurt people, but couldn’t because you were scared of getting your ass kicked? That doesn’t apply anymore, take a weapon of your choice, from a screwdriver, to a steel pipe, anything that gets you off, then just go ahead and do it. You can even make it look like an accident, you can bash his skull and be like “Oh shit dude, that was a mosquito bite? I thought you were bitten by the infected. Sorry man”

Starting from scratch: With half the population reduced, and lots of resources left, Mankind would have to begin from scratch to get back to its feet. With more resources available and lesser people to use them, there will be a problem of plenty. We have to begin repopulating Earth again, but since that’s something we (read men) love to do so much, I don’t see people (read men) complaining about it, but women might still fake headaches and like they are having their time of the month to avoid doing sexytimes.

Roads will be empty, well, almost: Driving will be more fun when you have the licence to run over people who break the laws of the road. In the present age while you will be penalized and fined heavily and be the attention of the media for running over people who jaywalk and cross the road without looking left or right, with zombies thronging the road during the zombie apocalypse, what harm is going to come out of running over the already dead?  Also, there will be lesser cars on the streets, so you can drive without the fear of being hit by other vehicles and happily drive over jaywalking dead people.

Gated communities FTW: Much like what was shown in those movies and TV shows, gated communities will be prevalent, this will just be a reason for Brahmins in India to turn their Agraharam into a fortress, and to enforce archaic laws that lower caste people and zombies will not be allowed, with a few of the Ambi and Kitchu mamas taking turns in guarding the entry with Bows and Arrows.

While a zombie apocalypse will spell our doom, we would evidently learn a valuable lesson from the destruction, which is to respect nature, you see, although she maybe a “Mother” sometimes a spoilt brat has to be shown its place with a kick on its backside, and who better than a Mother to do it?

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