They Left Me With No Choice, Okay?

It’s not like I wanted to come back, but I had no choice. Every other site I needed to log in to was asking for a Facebook account. Creating a custom account for that particular site would take time, and in some cases even money, whilst an option was open where you could use your facebook account to log in directly.

Don’t waste time in filling forms, don’t waste money in creating an account. Just log in with your facebook account, and attain temporary Nirvana.

I smell a conspiracy in all this. The internet will soon be ruled by Facebook. This Zuckerberg chap is giving it back to the internet junta for all the suffering the Jewkind had to endure under Hitler, and it makes sense because Zucky is a Jew too. Maybe he travelled through time to accomplish his mission.

“My name is Mark Zuckerberg, and THIS IS THE FACE of Jewish Vengeance!!... also I AM CEO, BITCH”

But no Zucks, I ain’t falling for your trap. I have my own steps to control my life, I am not letting your creation control me. 

Like a recovering alcoholic who has realized his folly and wants to lead a clean life, but at the same time wants to take a couple of swigs out of his bottle every once in a while to celebrate that special occasion and yet not get addicted to it, I too have gotten into that stage where I’ve realized that a sip needs to be taken at times. Slow and measured sips from the social networking bottle, do not consume too much of it, for you shall lose your senses and do things which you don’t meant to do in the first place, like sending friend requests to people you hardly know, only because you had a new picture taken where you are standing in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and want to subtly thrust the fact that you had been to Italy on a stranger’s face.

Like Alcoholics Anonymous’ Twelve-Step Program that allows people to put together their lives that has been in shambles owing to liquor, I too have charted out my own steps to fight this addiction of online narcissism, and figured out ways on how to tame it. 

Thou shall not add people more interesting than you: Let’s face it, Facebook is not about getting to know others, although that was the philosophy around which it was based. But as time evolved, we took that philosophy twisted it, turned it, and gave it a whole new meaning, Now, it is about shoving our lives on other people’s faces, making them feel sad about their own miserable existence. So, to prevent oneself from beating themselves up for not having a life as happening as others, it is only advisable that we avoid such people. Let’s not have anything to do with their timeline, let us not even give them the luxury to tag our names.

Do not post shit puns as status updates: For every witty one-liner, posting which makes you think that you ought to work in the TOI office as the guy who writes puns for a living that you read under the photos in Chennai Times’ Page-3 section, there is always one guy who posts a comment to your update trying to do one better than you, and in the end it all becomes a fight of one upmanship.

Do not give it more than 30-secs, and do not do it more than twice a day:  This is actually one of the rules to live by for the folks who are at the “Addicted to Porn” group, and it is their way of fighting that addiction, by giving in to it, but not letting it take control of their time.  How do I know? Well I just know, I am not a part of such groups. Honest. Anyway, the rule is self explanatory, you do not browse Facebook for more than 30-secs and you do not log in to it for more than twice a day. 

This helps you in curbing your enthusiasm to check every once three minutes for the likes you have been getting on posting that picture, that crap meme, or some soul-stirring quote that you copied from twitter and are passing it off as yours. Imagine checking Facebook a day or two after having posted something, the excitement and the anticipation of finding likes and comments on it 24-hours later is akin to watching the final overs of a close T-20 match.

“How many likes would be there?”

“Who all would have liked it?”

“Would Jilpa have liked it? If she has clicked “Like” means she has a thing for me, must ask for her phone number later…”

Always leave an element of mystery: Do not post everything about what you like, what you did, where you are, what you are doing, who you are doing etc. leave an element of mystery about you, let people figure you out. Leave behind bread crumbs that can help them sketch your personality, do not leave behind a whole loaf of bread that makes them come to the conclusion of what you are.

The urge to be liked and loved is one that cannot be contained, and now with the power to let a reflection of our real self be portrayed online, we give people, known and unknown the liberty to judge us. We yearn for their validation, their comments, and their likes in all that we do so that it gives us a sense of belonging, and reaffirms our faith in what we have done, or are doing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to share the link to this post on my Facebook wall.